The Quibbler Online Issue 1
by cream147
Summary: This is the first issue of the Quibbler Online. In this issue of the Quibbler you will find out about whether Snape is a death eater, the whereabouts of YouKnowWho, the lying skills of Rufus Scrimgeour and the dangers that tranzophorbic mantarazzyus' pose
1. Severus Snape is not a Death Eater

**Severus Snape is not a Death Eater**

_Is Severus Snape a killing death eater, or an innocent person bribed by bad liar Rufus Scrimgeour_

Severus Snape recently committed the murder of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. The former Potions and Defense against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts shocked many by this act and is now wanted throughout the world and is seen as a murderer and death eater.

BUT IS HE?

Insiders from important places such as Antarctica and the Leaky Cauldron have said that indeed Rufus Scrimgeour ordered Severus to murder Dumbledore because he called Rufus a 'slightly better' replacement for Fudge. Rufus was distraught by these comments and as such ordered Dumbledore's most trusted to kill Dumbledore. Severus was tempted into this ridiculous trap set by the Minister because he offered a twenty year sentence in Azkaban in return. Severus couldn't refuse this unbelievable offer given by the Minister of Magic. We did receive comments from the Minister's Junior Advisor Percy Weasley which assured us that these stories aren't true.

"These stories are ridiculous rubbish so much that the Minister sent little unimportant me to advice you against publishing it. The Minister has suggested that if your magazine does not want to be looked at as the most ridiculous thing on the planet then you should replace it with something good similar to a _Daily Prophet_ article," said young confused Percy Weasley.

What Weasley did not understand that the reason why he was sent to our offices wasn't because the Minister considered our story unimportant and ridiculous, but he is actually a bad liar, which he is very bad at hiding.

At a recent press conference where he assured us that He Who Must Not Be Named is in Azkaban at the moment (read about it in Chapter 3), but we could tell by the movement of his ears that he was lying. We knew this anyway as he recently attended a Jamaican Tap-dancing Party hosted by You-Know-Who. When we asked if he would demonstrate some Jamaican Tap-dancing he said that we had a few nurgles in our hair and promptly left. We didn't have any nurgles in our hair, we could tell he was lying again. We had yulifying moysterfyers in our hair, and they weren't very happy with being mistaken for nurgles. Rufus was lucky that he didn't have to go to St. Mungos.

Severus was reported by our trustworthy Antarctica spy to have been meeting with Rufus on Monday and Thursday evenings regularly negotiating Snape's murder of Dumbledore. And as if we haven't presented enough evidence during this article we have more.

Rufus has had a habit in previous life of getting rid of Hogwarts teachers. He has the ambition of there being no Hogwarts left. So he'll find any excuse to dispose of Hogwarts teachers regularly. Professor McGonagall was lucky to survive the poison Scrimgeour cunningly put in the bathroom of Olivarary Jackson's house which is just under 1000 miles away from Professor McGonagall's. And need we mention how lucky Rubeus Hagrid was that Rufus' Wingardium Leviosa curse did not hit him whilst he was fighting with his mollygruffer named 'Eramel'.

By giving Professor Snape a pleasant holiday in Azkaban he has also disposed him from Hogwarts cunningly. Snape has yet to go on his pleasant holiday in Azkaban saying that he has business to attend to first. Scrimgeour said that this was acceptable **_as long as_** he doesn't return to Hogwarts! Who wouldn't jump at **that **evidence.

So, if you are capable of adding 2+2 then you will see that it's obvious.

Scrimgeour takes insults very personally and he wants nobody to ever be more powerful than him so he gets rid of all the Hogwarts teachers one by one unsuspectingly and thus gets rid of Hogwarts. He goes to many measures to get rid of Hogwarts teachers. He bribes Snape into killing Dumbledore. He plants poison in clever places. He sends dangerous charms flying everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if he steps down before the next article when we reveal more amazing evidence involving butterbeer, doxies and the occasional bad lie.

You aren't convinced quite yet? Well you will be after our last bit of stunning evidence. Rufus Scrimgeour was interviewed even more recently than his press conference that we give a full report on in Chapter 3.

The Quibbler: Is it true that you asked Snape to kill Dumbledore?

Rufus Scrimgeour: No, but I'm considering putting a ban on your magazine. That is the most incorrect question I've ever heard. You enjoy stupid rubbish, do you?

The Quibbler: We have reporters buried everywhere, and we know what you're up to. You will find out how much we've found out about your criminal like behaviour in the next issue of The Quibbler.

Rufus Scrimgeour: No I won't, I don't read the Quibbler.

The Quibbler: I bet you will this time now that we have discovered your little secret. And you'll try and deny it, and fail, for a reason described in our article also.

Rufus Scrimgeour: What on earth are you talking about?

The Quibbler: You will no doubt step down after we reveal our amazing evidence. Oh, and you've got a tranzophorbic mantarazzyus in your hair.

Rufus Scrimgeour: And a mansarophic tanlaratus. Bye bye.

No doubt you haven't noticed the give away Rufus Scrimgeour gave in that interview.

_The Quibbler: Is it true that you asked Snape to kill Dumbledore?_

_Rufus Scrimgeour: No, but I'm considering putting a ban on your magazine. That is the most incorrect question I've ever heard. **Y**ou **e**njoy **s**tupid rubbish, do you?_

That spells yes. He answered in code. He wants to give a hint at the truth. But he didn't expect us to find it. So, Snape shouldn't be arrested, but Rufus Scrimgeour should, and step down from his position as Minister of Magic. i written by Mr. Lovegood /i


	2. James Potter is not Dead

**James Potter is not dead**

_Is Viktor Krum a scared Quidditch player who's always running away from You-Know-Who or is he James Potter who most believe to be dead?_

Viktor Krum is a great seeker for Bulgaria. He is the only reason they do anything right and is considered the best player in the world at the moment, even at his youthful age. According to his Bulgarian team mates, he is also a good man through and through, but not very handy with the wand, and very afraid of He Who Must Not Be Named.

BUT IS HE?

We have startling evidence which suggests that Viktor Krum is a cover up name and that he is indeed James Potter in disguise. With this startling revelation, comes a hope for Harry Potter. 'I'll provide this magazine to him at school,' says Harry Potter's best friend, Luna Lovegood.

James Potter was supposedly killed on the night where Harry Potter defeated You-Know-Who the first time. But James Potter was an exceptional seeker, and once rented a book out of Hogwarts library named 'Many Magical Members'. This had enough stuff about Bulgarians for James to convince everybody that he was a Bulgarian.

'_As for Bulgaria, the only thing that we shall say in this book, is that if you're born there, you are Bulgarian'_

It is quite startling how James Potter could get himself this amazingly detailed information about Bulgarians. Enough to convince the world he was a Bulgarian. Now everybody looks up to Krum or Potter, to defeat You-Know-Who from behind. It is an amazing clever plan when exploited correctly.

James Potter's plan was for He Who Must Not Be Named to come to his house, supposedly kill him, and then James would stun You-Know-Who just before he killed his wife. Unfortunately, the killing curse knocked James Potter out and he couldn't save his wife.

James Potter would have then planned to become a Bulgarian Quidditch sensation, and then, the person who You-Know-Who least expects to finish him, will do so. James was very cunning.

Whilst you may be sceptical that James survived the killing curse, he done so very simply. James Potter has discovered the shield charm for the killing curse, but is hiding it until he destroys He Who Must Not Be Named. Once Krum/Potter does do that, then Harry Potter will have his father back, and Remus Lupin will have his old friend back. Of course, as Potter undoubtedly found out, the only friend he has got to run to from his old gang (nicknamed 'The Frauders') IS Remus Lupin with Sirius Black/Stubby Boardman dying catastrophically at the Ministry of Magic and Pettigrew pretending to be a human working for You-Know-Who but he's actually a rat, who is an animagus and turns into a human.

So perhaps, on reading this, Remus Lupin and James Potter will join up forces and defeat You-Know-Who. Of course, we would like to keep all this top secret information confidential but we believe that most shops, unless ran by Jamaican tap-dancer Rufus Scrimgeour, don't tend to sell The Quibbler to You-Know-Who. If you wish to read about Rufus Scrimgeour, then look no further than our leading article, and our next article, where we will cover important parts about his loyalty. Find out that he is a bad liar, made the plans to kill Dumbledore and mixes nurgles and yulifying moysterfyers up (he needs to go back to Hogwarts).

Of course, the Minister's Junior Assistant has interfered with these comments again and says that this magazine will be taken off sale if we don't include his comments. Percy Weasley said 'The Minister of Magic has more important things to deal with now rather than be accused of planning to kill Dumbledore, attempting to destroy Hogwarts, being closely linked to You-Know-Who and going to Jamaican tap-dancing parties with You-Know-Who.

Poor Junior Assistant Percy Weasley must be really tired being force to go to us all the time to get Scrimgeour's comments added to our magazine. Why does Scrimgeour need them there? To prevent us from knowing the truth.

So where does this all fit in with Viktor Krum/James Potter. Because Krum has implied in an interview that Scrimgeour will be the first target. When interviewed after the Quidditch World Cup a couple of years ago he commented that his team made a 'really stupid' mistake which cost them the game. The first letters of the words really stupid are 'r' and 's' which just so happens to be Scrimgeour's initials.

So perhaps Potter had planned to target Scrimgeour before You-Know-Who rised again and gathered all of his loyal followers such as Scrimgeour. Krum/Potter will defeat Voldemort for the wizarding world, and that will also mean defeating dishonest and disloyal Rufus Scrimgeour down from Minister of Magic also.

Krum/Potter implied in that interview that You-Know-Who would soon return by saying 'When we return next time it will be dark days for the other teams'. He was implying that You-Know-Who will return before the next Quidditch World Cup and he doesn't attack Bulgaria because they are worthless.

Of course, it took ex-Minister of Magic Cornelius 'Goblin Crusher' Fudge a year to even realise that You-Know-Who had indeed returned, once again, showing the incompetence of the Ministry, so they are going to need all the help from Krum/Potter that they can get. _Written by Mr. Lovegood_


End file.
